I have a lot of thoughts after reading this but I think I’m just going to give it to you without comment and let you come to your own conclusions.

To My Mother and Father, I am sorry I didn’t turn out as you had hoped. You did not fail me, you gave so much. I truly appreciate the love you have given me. I feel I was raised to be a good person. I’ve kept those traits of empathy, self-sacrifice, and great character. Please do not think you have failed as parents. I was corrupted by this world and learned to hate what life is. Life is long, life is pain. There is too much to accept, too many things to put up with just to live. I’m tired of the pain this world gives out. Please move on and continue to give your love to my brothers and sisters, and the rest of the world. They may not forgive me but you need to move on from me. Forget my life and the pain I’ve brought. I love you both. Thank you for everything. I’m sorry.

To My Siblings, I am sorry for forever tainting the rest of your lives. Your careers, lives, relationships, all will be turned upside-down. Please hold on to who you are, not who I am. Change your names if you must, I wish I could tell you that before I go. Please know that I love you all and truly appreciate the time I have spent with you. I have had such an amazing family and it hurts me to throw this wrench into the works of your lives. I feel so appreciative when writing these final words of you. I cherish our good times together. I feel the hope when I grew up. I hope without me you move on and continue your lives and actions. Forgive me, friends. Forever haunted by my actions, hold onto your loved ones and all that I am sorry for my mistakes.

And to my friends, I trust you all to handle the memory of me however you see fit. I am sorry for the confusion and heartbreak this will bring. I truly appreciate all of you for helping me through dark times. You gave me a good life and sometimes that gave me hope. Unfortunately the pain to me is too much to deal with. Unfortunately this world has too much pain that I can’t cover up and forget the pain I’ve caused. You all can move on.

I have wanted this for so long. I am not well. I am not right. I am a sad person, haunted by these thoughts that do not go away. I know this is wrong, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I am severely depressed and have been suicidal for years. Only recently have I lost all hope and decided to perform my final action against this world. I don’t want to kneel down for the injustices of this world. I don’t want to do that. I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees, constantly in pain.

I think I am dying of Cancer. Its a tragic end as its entirely self-inflicted. I did this to myself as I cant control myself and have been destroying my body with vaping and other means. I think I have lung cancer. I have felt mass pains that make me think that. I am past the point of recovery. I do not want to recover. I do not want to turn away by rotting in a hospital bed. I dont want the rest of my life to be as a cancer patient in and out of hospitals, constantly being fretted about with people afraid to be too happy around me. Fuck That! I want to go out on my own terms. Unfortunately, due to my depression, anger, and twisted mind, I want to fulfill a Final act that has been in the back of my head for years.

You all are what keep me going. I find no more interest in anything material. I only have interest in my mission and love for my family. If I didn’t have such an amazing group of people around me, I would have been gone much sooner. I just want to escape from this world. Escape from the constant bills, shitty jobs, shitty people, and injustice of America. I am done with this, I will not bow. I will be selfish and leave you to pick up the pieces. Its my Fault. Blame me, but please move on.

Whether you accept my apologies or not, I hope you can move past this and continue your lives. Be better, be good people. Now more than ever the world needs more love even if you don’t get it in return. Please find hope, find love, and stand up to injustice.

I love you all, I will remember you. Pray For the victims and their Families.
Dad, Mom, Jack, Martha, Theresa, Joe, Jared, Paul, Liam

(P.S. Pola, get over yourself and make up with Mom. She loves you. You need to grow up and accept that time just keeps on fucking moving. You either will stay in the past and rot, wasting your life and happiness away, or you can grow up and move on from things. We all love you.)
(P.P.S. I wouldnt recommend any of you to read my journals, unless you REALLY want to, but be warned.)